I am not exaggerating when I say that I have piles of homework, most of it in Russian. I’m being quite literal. Piles. Piles of books. Piles of papers. So much Russian homework that my brain wants to write my English sentences using Russian grammar. For example:
At me, there is a lot of Russian homework. (I have a lot to do.)
To me, it pleases itself, the Russian homework. (But I kind of like it.)
I have never not seen so much Russian homework. (Seriously… 13 workbook pages front and back? And a novel to read? And a portfolio to put together?)
At me, on Monday, will be an exam on Russian language. (Did I forget to mention that?)
Not to fear, though. I’ve come up with a solution for handling the ever-increasing work load. All it required was a little skill with a hacksaw. And some heavy Vicodin usage. And knowledge of how to properly tie off a tourniquet.
With one hand.
There’s the little matter of blood stains, but nothing some hydrogen peroxide, heavy bleach, scrubbing, and new carpet won’t fix. Aside from the blinding pain, I think the plan was good. I’ll leave this hand to perpetually do Russian. The other can occupy itself with the little matter of linguistics homework, e-mail answering, OCD TEXAS, dog walking, and dish washing.
You don’t believe that’s my hand?
Here’s what really happened. During my last visit to Lockhart, my dog found this detached Halloween hand hiding out under the coffee table. I don’t know why it was there. I didn’t ask. What my parents are doing with a detached Halloween hand under their coffee table, I’m not sure I want to know. I was, at the time, doing Russian homework.
Dad said, “You know, if you put the pencil in that hand and leave it there overnight, when you get up in the morning, the homework will be done.”
Never one to dismiss a suggestion that could potentially save me hours of work, I happily handed my pencil over to The Hand.
I am sad to report that The Hand did NOT complete my Russian.
Perhaps the body it was severed from only spoke Hebrew.
Damn those de-hand-itated Hebrew speakers.
P.S. I really do have piles of homework. I may never get through it all.