The Dark Side Sparkles

It’s official. I’ve lost her.

Jenny has gone over to the dark side.

And now I’m left with only a few options. I can let her go, and become one of them – a drooling, sparkle-worshipper – or I can go in after her.

That’s right. Jenny has become a fan of Twilight. Just the other day she came down and told me that I simply had to watch these movies. That I’d like them. Really, I would.

And I just don’t know that I can live with myself if I continue to let her believe that Twilight is the ultimate in vampire movies. In fact, I’m sure that I can’t. See…

I hate Twilight.

Before you check me to see whether or not I’m a cyborg, let me explain.

I didn’t used to care about vampires at all. Didn’t like them. Didn’t not like them. I was the Switzerland of Vampires – completely neutral. When I landed myself in Vampire Class, Fall 2009, because it was open and I needed a slot filled, I didn’t expect to really like it.

Only, I did. We delved into the classic vampire stories – Polidori, Stoker, Bulgakov. We learned the myths and legends. We watched the Best of the Worst Vampire Movies on Halloween (Among them Ankle Biters, about vampire midgets, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, in which Jesus returns and kicks vampire ass using kung fu, and Lair of the White Worm, which can only be described as eye rape – Hugh Grant nailed to a cross, being devoured by a giant snake while nuns have sex in the foreground. I kid you not.) Essentially, I had the opportunity to see the best and the worst of vampire fiction.

I’d heard of Twilight, but never seen it. And then I learned something. Twilight was written by a Mormon housewife who wanted to give her daughter a good, strong female role model. So she wrote Bella. Who pretty much gives up her life for a man. And a dead one at that. Or undead. Whatever.

Really?

Seriously?

And then there’s the whole sparkling thing. I’m sorry, I just have a problem with sparkly vampires who go out in the day time and masquerade as teenagers. If I were a vampire, and free to do as I pleased, high school would not be at the top of my “Places to Visit” list. I didn’t want to go to high school when I was a teenager. Why, precisely, would I ever choose to go back? When I read a vampire story, I want a little…well… evil. And while I do find Twilight scary for MANY reasons, its vampires are not among them.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about dear Jenny. Tie her down and force feed her some good vampire movies, perhaps. The Night Watch Trilogy is excellent. Thirty Days of Night. Something in which the vampires are actually, you know, scary.

Either way, I just can’t let her go around thinking that Twilight is the best there is. As her friend, I have a duty. I must rescue her from the dark side, even if it means I have to watch Twilight with her so that I can point out all the reasons why she could do better. So wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

I’m headed over to the dark side, and the dark side sparkles.

*Bobs

P.S. Okay, honestly, if you like Twilight, I’m cool with that. Especially if you’re an eleven-year-old girl. But I do think there’s better out there. And I will never be okay with sparkly vampires. They go against my vampire code of beliefs. Amen.

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One Comment to “The Dark Side Sparkles”

  1. Awww. I love Twilight. I think its because of all the love and drama and intense moments.
    And I am Team Jacob fan. Sigh

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